3270 - Saturday jokes

What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?
They both barely cover an asshole.


Leonardo Dicaprio wins an Oscar.
... oh wait, it's not a joke this time.


A man bumped into me on the train the other day and said, "Remember Donald Trump."
Then the same fellow followed me home from the bar and said, "Remember Donald Trump."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11:30 that night and said, "Remember Donald Trump."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked me if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Donald Trump."


A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:
"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."
The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:
"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "
Both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.
"Good morning Wif--"
The son interrupts:
"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"
The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:
"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work for her since this would be her second serving today."


How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac?
Two, then one, then none.


A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.
Thank you for flying with us this morning.
The weather is....."
Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"
A ghostly silence reigned.
He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!"
One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"


My friend was attacked by a teenage mutant ninja turtle.
He wasn't wearing a mask, so they don't know which one it was.


A mother and father named their child Odd. And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."


A man calls his boss one morning and tells him that he is staying home because he is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" the boss asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," he says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."


There are two types of people in the world.
Those that can find an answer through simple deduction...


A panda walks into a bar one day and orders a sandwich. The server brings it over to him, and he eats it quietly. The panda then pulls out a gun, and shoots the server. The bartender stands up in shock and ask him just what the hell he thinks he's doing. The panda simply replies, "I'm a panda, dumbass, look it up". Then the panda gets up and exits the bar. So the bartender goes home, fires up his computer, and Googles 'panda'. He looks on Wikipedia and the description reads: Large black and white bear. Eats chutes and leaves.


Remember kids, say no to drugs because if the drugs are talking to you, you've had a little too much.


A wife comes to home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.
Husband: Are we expecting guests today?
Wife : Nope..
Husband : Then why did you buy so much bread?


A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big chests and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.


I found a wallet with 300 dollars in it yesterday. I thought to myself, "What would Jesus do?" So I turned it into wine.


I got fired from a suicide hotline.
Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.