3277 - Saturday jokes

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.


I know a guy that can't sleep because he's worried he might have insomnia.


If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware? I dunno, Alaska.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas. Utah too much.
Puns are the Maine reason I come here.
I've heard this before somewhere, now Illinois me until I think of it.
I'll help you work it out, I don't care how long it Texas.
We can't go too long, I've got to do my Washington night.
Hawaii managed to find this funny, I'll never know.
Oregon a tell us?


Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?!"
Doctor: "Nine..."


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello."
"May I speak with Mrs. Smith please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Kent at Metro Labs.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, we also received a biopsy from another Mr. Smith as well.
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.
"Normally we can, but your insurance will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The insurance company recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!"


I have two requirements in my will.
1) I want my remains spread all over Disney World.
2) I do not want to be cremated.


Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.


At school I was going to join the debating class.
But someone talked me out of it.


There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!


What do you call a sad coffee?
Depresso


My wife said she'll leave me if I don't overcome my poker addiction,
but I think she's bluffing.


An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."


A husband and wife are getting married.
Minister: And now your wedding vows.
Groom: A E I O U
Bride: Do you ever take anything seriously?
Groom: Sometimes....why?


Why don't gelding horses like to race?
Because every time they go to the starting gate they're reminded, "They're Off!"


When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French".
One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.