3284 - Saturday jokes

Trump supporters have been trying to crash Sanders and Clinton rallies for weeks, but they get mixed up and can't find them because the rallies are places they've never been to ... college campuses.


A man, his sister and his wife walk into the voting booth to vote for Donald Trump.
They've both given it a lot of thought.


When Pearl Jam comes on I say to myself...
It doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this.


When I was young I was worried about getting food stuck in my teeth.
Now I'm worried about getting my teeth stuck in food.


Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!"


In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders.
But in Iraq, no phobia.


I invented a new word.
Plagiarism.

A man takes a business trip to a small town in a remote valley and when he checks into the only hotel in the town, he quietly asks the manager:
"Y'know, do you have any girls here, for, uh, 'nighttime favours'?"
"Not really", the manager answers, "we only have Bob."
The man is a bit confused, replies "Hm, no thank you" and goes to his room. At night, he is lying on his bed, sleepless, and cannot control his urges any longer, so he decides to call up the manager again.
"You know, I've changed my mind, please call Bob for me. How much does he usually charge?"
"You'll need to pay about eighty bucks"
"Okay, fine, and how will we go about this? I give the eighty to Bob and then we'll fuck?"
"Nah, not really, you'll have to pay forty to the mayor, because it's his city and he doesn't really like it when this happens. So if you pay him first, he'll look the other way"
"Sure, so Bob only gets forty dollars, but then we'll fuck!"
"Ah, not quite. See, I'll take twenty of those, since it's my hotel, and I also don't really like it when this happens."
"Whatever, if Bob is satisfied with the twenty that are left over, it's fine. So I'll just give those to him, and then we can get it on?"
"Nope, John and Tony will be splitting the remaining twenty, they'll be holding Bob down, because Bob also doesn't really like it when this happens."


-Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"
-Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
-They built a stage made out of scrabble tiles so they could have a play on words.
-Dropping your Scrabble tiles could spell disaster.


I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.
But why everyday?


A father looks to his son.
He says, "Son, I need to tell you something."
"What is it dad?"
"You were adopted", the dad tells him.
"Oh my god, I can't believe it."
"Yeah, go pack your stuff, your new parents are on the way".