3287 - Saturday jokes

I saw a stereo for sale for 1$, but the volume was stuck to full.
I thought, "I can't turn that down!"
But it turns out the fuse was also blown, so I realized I'd have to refuse.


My dog lost his tail, so we got him a new one at a retail store.


My girlfriend left me for telling too many bad jokes.
I guess her love was pun-conditional.


So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have sex we put money in a jar. At the end of the year we use the money to pay for a trip. So I tell her I'll throw $20 in every time and she agrees. A year goes by and we decide to count the money. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then I ask her I thought we agreed to put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!


What brand of clothes do scientists wear?
Kelvin Klein.


Double standards are the worst.
I mean, if a girl sleeps with lots of guys, she's considered a slut.
But when a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual.


Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce."
John: "Nah, I was just a kid."
Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."


What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer?
A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.


A Televangelist, a Rabbi and a Hindu were traveling together.
They came across a farm and asked to spend the night there. The farmer said, “I only have room for two, someone will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu volunteered. Moments later, there was a knock on the door. The Hindu said, “There is a cow in the barn. I can’t sleep on holy ground.”
“I will go” said the Rabbi. Moments later there was a knock on the door. “I can’t sleep with a pig, pigs are unkosher.”
So the Televangelist is sent out to the barn. Moments later, there was a knock on the door.
It was the pig and the cow.


The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.


Coincidentally, the guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey also died last week. As they they were putting him in the coffin, they put his left foot in... and then the trouble started.

A mom walks into her sons room to get him up for church.
She says to the son, "Get up it's time for church."
The son rolls over and says so his mom, "I'm not going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) I don't like the people 2) The people don't like me and 3) I don't want to go."
The mother responds," You ARE going to church and I'll tell you three reasons why. 1) You're a Christian, you have to go even when you don't want to. 2) You're 42 years old. And 3) You're the priest."


The guy that invented Velcro died last week.
RIP.