3290 - Saturday jokes

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute. Her mom says, "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says, "A prostitute". Then the mom says, "Thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"


I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms.
She said she doesn't like phoning me at work.


Paddy went to trial for armed robbery. After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


When John Ashcroft became attorney general, he was so much of a blue-nose he had a cloth arranged to cover the breasts of the statue of the goddess Nike in his office.
He was a statuary drapist.


Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”


Little Billy sees some rabbit droppings in the grass and asks his older brother what they are. "They're smart pills," he's told. So he takes a couple and chews on them. "Hey, these aren't pills. These are poop!" Billy exclaims. "See, you're smarter already," answers his brother.


First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.
Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time.
Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his ass off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife.
2 weeks later he receives 4 tickets for not wearing his seat belt.


My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.
But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."


Paddy and Danny got in the car for the journey home and said their goodbyes to their friend Mick. "Thanks for putting us up for the weekend," said Paddy. "The food was great, the booze was great, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife!" On the way home, Danny turned to Paddy and said: "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying screwing his wife?" "No," said Paddy, "I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to hurt Mick's feelings."


Half of men in America watch porn everyday.
The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.


Half of women admit they masturbate.
The other half expect you to believe it takes THAT long to take a bath.


They say humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.


My friend said to me, "What rhymes with orange."
I said, "No, it certainly does not."