3296 - Saturday jokes

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to fix it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Confucius say, man not need parachute to skydive, man need parachute to skydive again!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians'.
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted and hit her head on the desk. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehman Brothers, September 15th, 2008'.


Everyone is screwed up. You just have to figure out what kind of screwed up you're into.


The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."


What do you call two gay Irish men?
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.


An Irish mobster approached a man on the street.
He demanded, "What are you, protestant or catholic?"
The man said, "I'm atheist actually".
The mobster thought for a second and asked, "Protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"


What to do when someone is having a seizure in a bathtub.
Throw in a load of laundry.
That's actually not funny. My brother died like that. He choked on one of my socks.


If you get a tattoo of a thermos...
Is it now a thermostat?


NEW HOME WANTED !!!!!
I just got Lexi who’s an 8 week-old German Sheppard. I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs. We are now looking to find her a new home.
She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.


I haven't even gone to bed yet and already I can't wait to go to bed tomorrow night.


I'm joining a cold war reenactment group.
We get together on weekends and hide under desks.