3302 - Saturday jokes

The guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in piece.


I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters.
If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.


This person told me, "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"
Alas, swine flu.


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough.
She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was holding his breath.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong.


11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken


RIP the dinosaurs. Can't believe it's 65 million years already. Always in our thoughts.


If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five, what do you have?
A broken hand and a black eye!


Money doesn't buy happiness. But it does buy pizza.


A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says, "Yay, I got a yob!"


I should have believed my spouse was stealing from their job as a road worker, but I didn't want to.
At home, all the signs were there.


After a long day at work, I come home to my nagging wife. "The sink's leaking, fix it," she says. "I'm not a plumber," I say. "The electric's broken, fix it," she says. "I'm not an electrician," I say. She stomps off in a huff.
The next day, I come home from work again and... everything's fixed! "What happened?" I ask her. "I got a man in to do it," she says. "How much did it cost?" I say. "Well, he asked for either an apple pie, or a blowjob," she says. "I hope you gave him an apple pie!" I say. She says, "I'm not a baker".


Why can't people sniff out Easter Eggs?
"No bunny nose"!


There was an accident yesterday. A man completely lost his entire left side.
The doctors said he would be alright.


My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said, "Okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said, "Well, there's Homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."


A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away.
"No! Those are for the funeral!"


Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colour?
It had a reptile dysfunction.


What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?
How I bought your mother.
or
It's always sunni in saudi.
Two and a half infidels.
Mad About Jews.
Falafel House.
Mahdi With Children.
Sandfield.
Everybody loves Ramadan.
Marvels Agents of J.I.H.A.D.