3309 - Saturday jokes

What is a pirate's favorite letter?
P. Because without it, he'd be irate.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
"We regret to inform you that we have detected illegal downloading from your IP address..."


On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"


What's the difference between a tuna, a piano and a gluestick?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
What's the glue stick doing in this joke?
I knew you'd get stuck on that.


Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."


My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.
It was mine.


The Masochist begged the Sadist, "Beat me, beat me!!"
The Sadist said, "No".


What is the definition of a will?
C'mon. It's a dead giveaway.


A homeless man is sitting in a bar. After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.
Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"
The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology and a French Minor. I think it's my felon status that prevents me from getting a job"
Intrigued, the young lady asks, "What landed you in jail?"
Taking a sip from his drink, the homeless man answers "The French minor."


A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
She asks, "Do I look fat in this dress?"
He replies, "Do I look dumb in this shirt?"


A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style and she ends up in a small village.
The first person she interviews is an old man.
Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?
Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took turns having sex with it.
The reporter now slightly scared replies: I'm afraid that's not something I can very well use, maybe something more...cheerful?
The old man replies: Very well, back in the day this very attractive woman from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found her and took turns having sex with her.
The reporter now visibly disturbed replies: That's not going to work either... maybe something sad that happened then.
The old man replies: Well there was this one time when I got lost in the neighbouring forest...


I had a rooster that would literally screw everything on the farm. I told him to take it easy or he'd screw himself to death. One day I found him lying on the ground outside the barn with a buzzard circling overhead. "I told you this would happen." Then he opened one eye, looked up at the buzzard, and said, "Shhhhhhh, she's getting closer."


It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins.
One pirate says, "How about ARRRbys!". Many pirates nod in agreement.
Another pirate says, "How about ARRRkansas". Even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.
A third pirate says, "How about Boston!". A confused murmur spreads across the room. "Stay with me here", says the pirate. "So we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"


Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


This morning I was beaten by a woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press one?" I don't remember much after that.


By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?