3315 - Saturday jokes

They say to say what you want about Donald Trump.
You know... while you still can.
They said the same kind of stuff before little Kim took over in N.Korea.
And since then I haven't heard any complaints.


Two biologists get married and have twin girls.
They name one Jessica and the other Control.


Two guys are stripping down for a shower after a tennis match.
"Say, when did you start wearing women's panties?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment of my car."


The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."


A thief broke into my house, looking for money.
I got up and followed him around to see if he had any luck.


I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it.


Just finished reading a book about Stockholm syndrome.
It was pretty bad at the start but by the end I liked it.


What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car?
A convertible.


Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

My sex life is so bad my wife and I 96.


I voted today seven against five that I do not have multiple personality disorder.


What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?
They grow taller.


A priest finishes his service, and at the end asks everyone to forgive their enemies and when they have, put their hand up. So after a minute, about half the people's hands are in the air. "That's not good enough", the priest says and waits another while. Eventually, everyone's hands are up, except an elderly women. The priest asks her how old she is. "I am 93", she says. "You're 98 and have no enemies, how did you manage that?" the priest asks.
"I outlived the bitches".


“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke.”
“It’s an ant-y joke.”


I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.