3329 - Saturday jokes

Bernie Sanders said it's time to cut the BS.
His new name is Ernie Anders.


A man walks into a tailor shop to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says, "Fine. Suit yourself."


Two priests stop at a random police checkpoint.
A police officer tells the driver, "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."
The driver says, "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.
He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says, "Ya, we'd be up for it!"


Romeo & Juliet.doc is a play on Word.


A lady is sitting in the vet waiting room with her German Shepherd.
The man sitting next to her says, "that's a beautiful dog you have there. Is he sick?"
The lady says, "No not really. It's just that every time I get down on all fours to clean my floor, he mounts me from behind and starts to hump me."
The man says, "Oh, so you're going to have him neutered?"
The lady says, "Hell no. I'm going to have his nails clipped."


A drunk walks up to two priests.
He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The priest shakes his head. "No son, you're not."
The drunk goes up to the second priest. "I'm Jesus Christ."
The second priest gives the same answer.
The drunk glares at them for a second. "Look I can prove it. Follow me." He leads them to a bar and walks inside. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "Jesus Christ, are you here again?!"


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They hate to see men have a good time.


Four blondes drive to a bar in their old pickup truck. Three sit in the cab, and one sits in the bed of the truck.
The three blondes go into the bar and order a round of shots. Almost an hour later, the fourth blonde finally joins them.
"Where have you been?" they ask.
She responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tailgate!"


I think car horns should sound like gunshots because the sound of a horn does not represent my road rage properly. I've never been angry with someone and had the urge to toot a trumpet.


A blonde's car breaks down. A cop pulls up and inquires about the group of naked men standing next to her car.
The blonde says, "They're my emergency flashers."


We were in the hotel room, and it was kind of cold. I think, Well I'll put the heat on a little bit. I put it on 70. It was freakin' Celsius! Yeah, know what that is in real life? That's like a thousand freakin' degrees. The water in the toilet was boiling.


There was a lady in a convertible with the top down. As I walked past; she locked the door. I smacked her in the back of the head.


My dad drives so slow that when we're on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.


I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if I'm gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames, it's not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles.


They can get rid of page three of the airline safety guide that's the water landing section. There is no useful information there. At the top, they show you how to use your seat-bottom cushion as a flotation device. I don't want to present myself as a genius, but if I am drowning and something is floating, I will figure out how to operate it.


German women love me. I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.


After my recent prostate exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had – the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in. After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said...."Who was that guy?"


I made an appointment but it was cancelled.
I was disappointed.