3343 - Saturday jokes

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?
Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.


A man walks into a bar and upon entering it declares "Trump supporters are assholes."
A second man gets up from his barstool and yells at the first man from across the bar "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Are you a Trump supporter?" inquires the first man.
"No," the second man replies, "I'm an asshole."


Watson walks in on Sherlock in coital relations with a very young woman. As she's covering up Watson asks, "Sherlock, is she still in high school?"
Sherlock replies, "Elementary, my dear Watson!"


What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh?
You gonna eat that?


A guy meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $500 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $500 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’



Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.
He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
"Dr. Epstein replied, "Son , I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"


My love is like a candle.
If you forget about me, I'll burn your house down.


What do you call the guy who graduates last place in his medical class.
Doctor.


A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short penises?"
The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"


So me and my buddies asked a village elder in Afghanistan if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn't think he'd actually sell. $200 and he was ours. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize...we can't keep this damn kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him. Goat meat isn't bad. Kinda chewy.


Dave and Harry were swimming. They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety. Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.
Dave: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Harry: You save the mother, I'll save the baby.


I've been reading the thesaurus a lot lately.
Because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.