3350 - Saturday jokes

I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her. After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.


A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "ISIS have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."


Pets are better than children. They eat less, they don't ask for money, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their babies.


Contrary to popular opinion, Americans are very keen on philosophy. Walk into any buffet and you'll see us having a Plato this, a Plato that, a Plato something else.


I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
I would stand at the back, doing my ting.


An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in the country.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


I was in denial until her wake.
But then I saw her face... now I'm a bereaver.


I posed naked for a magazine today.
Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money.


An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth.
He tells the priest that he just had a threesome with two 20 year old girls. Father said, "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a threesome," he replied. "I'm telling everyone".


I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying, "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.


I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.


A multi-millionaire is dozing in the back of his limo. Suddenly, the car swerves off the road, bumps across a couple of rocks, works its way across a muddy field, crashes through a barn and runs over a couple of traffic signs at a crossing before ending up back on the road. "What the hell was that about?!" the millionaire shouts at his driver.
"Sir, there was a small kid on the road"
"Screw small kids! Next time, run him over!"
"Well I tried, but he was too quick!"


Where does the one legged waitress work?
Ihop.
And what's her name?
Ilene.


I'm giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait, sorry. That came out wrong.
I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.