3357 - Saturday jokes

What did one Egyptian say to the other Egyptian after they both farted?
"We have a toot in common."


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!



My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday.
Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45.


My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work, the ass hole is usually in charge.


3 Big things happened to me today
1) My neighbor said he didn't like me.
2) My neighbor got hit by a bus.
3) I lost my bus drivers license.


I shook hands with my Congressman yesterday.
I didn't mean to, I was just reaching for my wallet.


How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy.
Say this phrase with an Irish accent: Whale oil beef hooked.


“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”
“That will be the paper jamming again!”


A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."


A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the student if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."


A son walks up to his dad and tells him, "Dad, did you know in some countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies, "It's like that everywhere son."


I got my wife a mood ring. When she's in a good mood it turns a beautiful shade of blue. When she's in a bad mood it leaves an ugly red mark on my forehead.