3371 - Saturday jokes

If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?
The Trump card.


It's been reported that Donald Trump has recently found Jesus...
And had him deported.


Jane and Arlene were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


My girlfriend started smoking,
so I slowed down and applied lubricant.


Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth.
Its pasteurized before you even see it!


A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."


Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."


A plane was traveling from America to the UK when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped working. We can still safely fly on the 3 remaining engines, but our journey will be 1 hour longer as a result. Thank you"
A few passengers look at each other, but no one is overly concerned, trusting the captain.
Sometime later though, there is another rumble and another whine, followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that we have lost another one our engines, but don't worry, we can still safely fly on the 2 remaining engines. However our journey will be 2 hours longer. Thank you"
A few passengers look worried, a few look annoyed but everyone settles down.
20 minutes later there is another familiar rumble, followed by a tell tale whine. The captains voice is once again on the PA system.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I'm afraid we have lost a third engine, but please do not panic, this plane is perfectly capable of flying on the one remaining engine. This does mean though, that our journey will be 4 hours longer than anticipated. Thank you"
"This is ridiculous!" A frustrated woman says to her husband "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all day!"


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight?
Trans fat.


A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."
The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."