3378 - Saturday jokes

When I lost a tooth as a child the Tooth Fairy brought me a dollar. When I lose a tooth as an adult the Tooth Demon takes away $1,000!


An Italian man walks into a nightclub wearing a shirt that says "Turks have 3 problems".
A Turkish man approaches him and asks: "What the f*** is your shirt supposed to mean?""
The Italian says: "See, that is your first problem. You Turks are way too curious"
The Turkish man walks away and comes back later with a friend and threatens the Italian.
The Italian says: "See, that is your second problem. You Turks are way too aggressive."
The two men walk away and when at the end of the evening the Italian leaves the nightclub, the Turkish man is waiting outside with 5 friends. They all have their knives out.
The Italian says: "See that is your third problem."
"You brought knives to a gunfight"


A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."


What is the Puerto Rican national anthem?
Partly in the USA.


Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed. She said, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work. His wife woke up to find a gift wrapped box in the middle of their driveway. Confused she went to check it out.
She opened it and found a scale.
Bob is still missing.


My dishwasher makes this loud rumbling sound.
Strange thing is, it only seems to happen at night, when she's sleeping.


Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia?
They were shipped there by the British.
Oddly enough, so were the Australians.


I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.


The Bible is 100% accurate - especially when thrown at close range.


I aced all of my bible exams.
I'm an A Theist!


In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves".


A guy is lost in the jungle and is trying to find his way out. While he's wandering, he suddenly hears footsteps and cries behind him. He turns around and sees a group of savage tribesmen running towards him with spears in their hands.
The guy absolutely freaks out and starts running through any gap he sees between the trees, with no idea where he is going. Suddenly, he reaches a cliff end and he has nowhere else to run, with the tribesmen only a few seconds away.
"I AM SCREWED!" he exclaims in panic.
He hears an eerie voice. "No... you're not screwed. I am the guardian spirit of this forest. Pick up a rock and throw it at the tribe's leader when they approach you. Do as I say, human."
The guy thinks "Well, he is the guardian spirit, he knows what he's talking about", so he grabs a sharp rock and prepares. When the tribesmen get closer he takes aim and throws the rock right at the leader's forehead.
"NOW you're screwed".


(a cheer)
What do we want?!
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?!
nnnnNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWwwwwwww