3385 - Saturday jokes

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally.
Because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for all your problems.


What do you call a magical dog?
Labracadabrador.


Why do some churches not have WiFi?
Because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The ones that do have WiFi are delivering people to the promised LAN.


Why did the blind lady fall into the well?
Because she couldn't see that well.


Farmer John's wife kept nagging him to fix the outhouse.
But every time he went to check it out, he couldn't find anything wrong with it.
One day he'd had enough. He calls his wife out to take a look with him. He shines a flashlight around the tiny poopshack and shows her that it is fine and functioning. Not a thing of beauty, but it serves its purpose.
"Check the hole", she says.
He points the light at the seat and down through the hole, but he can't see what she could be talking about. She motions him forward and tells him to look inside. He sticks his head inside the hole and pokes the flashlight in beside his face.
"I can't see anything in here! You're crazy, there's nothing wrong with the outhouse."
He pulls his head from the hole. He's almost free when his beard catches in a crack in the wood. Farmer John screams in pain.
His wife looks down at him. "Hurts, don't it?"


A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doctor arrives. "Hello Mike what seems to be the problem today?" Mike replies, "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's new pussycat' by Tom Jones!" The Doc says, "Oh yes, that's 'Tom Jones Syndrome'" "Is it common?" Jim asks, "Well, it's not unusual".


I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said: "How flexible are you?"
I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."


I just found out my birthday is the same day I was born!


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!


My son just got kicked out of school for letting a girl fondle him.
I said son, that's the third school this year, maybe teaching isn't for you.


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”


Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?
I always thought they were gonna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.


There was a beer party out in the woods. All of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran to their car, jumped in, and hit the gas, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "YAHhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."
"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"


"Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts association.
It's not nice to see a lot of new faces here today."


I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.