3406 - Saturday jokes

A woman screams as she gives birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What IS wrong?"


You know what would be a hilarious prank?
Make people study for 18 years then don't give them a job.


Some jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."


My dentist is a Buddhist.
He uses Transcendental Meditation to help me Transcend Dental Medication.


To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide, but you can't run.


A cop was nice by giving me a speeding ticket. Now I can legally drive faster.


Heard a story once about an old French lady who'd run a small shop in her village for years, until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said "Butter - 10 francs". In response, the lady added a sign to her own window, "Butter - 9 francs". The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign, "Butter - 8 francs". Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read "7 francs". This went on for a while, until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said, "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete." In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, "Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."


As she lay there dozing next to me a voice in my head kept saying, "Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you're a veterinarian."


After much deliberation, the Cambridge University Netball Team decided not to abbreviate their name.


There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because the two bigger moles were in the way. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."


Feudalism...
It's your count that votes.


Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel...
Great sedimental value.


Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up.
Technically, I'm second to nun.


Little Johnny got expelled from school one day. His mother had to go and pick him up and speak with the school. "What have you done now!?" she cries. "Well, the teacher asked us math questions in class", said Johnny. His mother, curiously says "OK.. and what were the questions?" "Well, she asked us what was 8x2, so I shouted out 16", said Johnny, "But that's right?" said his mother. "Exactly, but then she asked us what was 2x8"? "What's the fucking difference?" said his mother. Johnny replied, "That's EXACTLY what I said!"


A pencil isn't as phallic as a
pen is.