3413 - Saturday jokes

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?
Because Africa isn't a country.


Donald Trump is visiting an old age home for campaign publicity. He's walking around greeting all the elderly folk who are politely greeting him back but he's getting the disturbing feeling that none of them actually recognize him. Eventually, out of frustration he asks a little old lady, "Excuse me mam, but do you know who I am?" She replies, "When we forget who we are, we ask at the front desk."


What do you call a patient person with a broken toaster?
Lack toast and tolerant!


After a night of drinking a man shows off his new apartment to his friends. In the bedroom they spot a giant gong. What's that gong for? They ask. That's not a gong he says, that's a talking clock. Yeah right, the friends say, show us how it works then. So the man hits the gong as hard as he can and takes a step back. His friends are just staring when suddenly they hear, "Stop with the noise you asshole it's 3:45 in the morning!"


This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.
She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes."


I have two tickets to the World Series. Problem is it's on the same day as my wedding. So if anyone's interested it's at St. Peters church and her name is Sarah.


Two rules for success:
1 - Never tell everything you know.


It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in. He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father suggests: "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her." Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"


So what does a dead golfer have in common with a bogey?
One too many strokes.


The police asked me where I was between 5-6.
I responded, "Kindergarten."


A Teacher asks the students...
"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"
Nobody is able to answer
Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."
The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.
Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple."
Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.
Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer."
The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?"
Teacher: "Well, I'm not sure."
Students: "It is possible, my father said."
Teacher : "How?"
Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."


Folding clothes is just creating socially-accepted wrinkles.