3420 - Saturday jokes

At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?"


What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?
He waits for it at the next stop.


I know a guy that talks so much Mormans say, 'Well would you look at the time'.


A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as Trump came on the TV.
After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there is the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him and left. "Dadgum!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Trump country." "Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...


A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird, so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb". Holy cow, it was just panned ammonium.


Do you know why they bury lawyers 10 feet under, instead of the usual 6 feet under?
Because "deep down" they're good people.


A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says My dear now that you are 60 years old there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me. He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: You my dear are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So don't you wait up for me.


What do you call a group of religious oranges?
Jehovah's citruses.


Modern art is easy to understand.
If you take a dump on someone's door mat, ring the bell and run away - it's an installation.
If you ring the bell and then take a dump - it's a performance.


What's the similarity between divorce and tornados in the Midwest?
Someone's losing their trailer.


A man and a woman have been married for 5 years and every night before bed the woman fondles with the man's balls. One night, the man asked, "I'm not complaining, but why do you like to do that so much?" She simply replied, "Because I miss mine."


The pollen is so bad this year that addicts are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.