3431 - Saturday jokes

The rotation of the earth really makes my day.


An elderly couple are enjoying their 75th anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”


There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.
Do vegans feel the same when they mow the grass?


I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour De France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"


Did you know that the majority of people don't know the opposite of these words?

Always

Coming

From

Take

Me

Down
.
.
.
.
.
.
You've been Rick Rolled. (never going to give you up)


What's the best way to sum up the 90's?
90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945


Some people think it's difficult to live with Erectile Dysfunction.
But really, it's not that hard.


A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says...
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.


So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?! The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate. The barman replies: three quid. The guy then asked: do you own this pub? The barman replies: no. The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low. The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife. The guy then asked: why? What's he doing with your wife? The barman replies: the same thing I'm doing to his business.


I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today.
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.


A drunk walks into a library.
He goes up to the desk and loudly slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake!
The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!
*whispers* Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.


Calculators may be ugly on the outside.
But its what's on the inside that counts.


My new record in a 100 meter sprint is 52 meters.