3434 - Saturday jokes

At the Hillary and Donald debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that?"


The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.
From now on they will simply be known as the Redskins.


If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...
then soviet.


I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.
Turns out, There's an app for that.
It's called 'Mom Are You Ok'. It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it.
If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"
It works every time.
So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.
She was gorgeous!
I couldn't get over how attractive she was!
Just as I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.
She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"!


Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other.
They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.
(Whoever is first must have a pretty Swede victory.)
(This is a border line good joke.)


My doctor's just told me I am suffering from paranoia.
Well, he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking.


It all.
The first line says it all.


I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.
Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.


Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is!


They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Ling overheard, and chimed in, saying that their father would disown him if he changed his name.
One day, Ving decided he had had enough. He went to town hall, with me in tow. His sister caught wind and decided to come along to talk him out of it.
So we got the name change document, and Ving filled it out and almost turned it in, when he suddenly got choked up and realized that he couldn't go through with the name change. He told the receptionist that he wanted to cancel, and she told him that he could cancel the name change, but he'd need to pay a one-time fee of $20. Ving didn't have any money on him, but his sister did. She was about to hand him $20 when suddenly, a short, elderly Chinese man in an American flag T-shirt, ray-bans and cargo shorts entered the building. Ving stared at him in awe.
"D..Dad?" he stammered, tearfully.
With a huge smile on his face, the man ran up and embraced his son.
I'll never forget what his father said that day:
    "Don't stop, be Lee, Ving.
    Hold on to that fee, Ling"


I only drink on two occasions a year.
On my birthday,
and when it's not my birthday.




Jimmy trips over something in the sand and looks down to see a golden lamp. He picks it up and POOF out pops a genie. The genie looks at the men and says "I will grant you each one wish for freeing me from the lamp!"
Hendrix goes first. "I wish for a diamond the size of my head!" He exclaims. The genie nods his head and POOF a huge diamond appears in Hendrix's hands.
Clapton gets excited and says, "I wish for a massive yacht filled with beautiful women!" The genie nods his head and POOF a yacht bigger than any they've ever seen pulls up to the Moroccan beach.
The genie turns to Mick Jagger, who thinks for a minute, and finally says, "I'm pretty hungry, I could go for a roll." The genie nods his head and POOF a street vendor pushes his cart up the beach and hands Mick a delicious looking roll from his cart.
The genie vanishes and Hendrix and Clapton give Jagger an incredulous look. "You could have wished for anything in the world and that's what you wished for?!"
Jagger gives them a defensive look and says "I know it's only a Moroccan roll, but I like it"


Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars.
The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.