3438 - Saturday jokes

How do you milk a sheep?
With iPhone accessories.


People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid.
But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.


Dave is in class, when the teacher asks him, "Dave, if you have two rabbits, then another two rabbits, then another two rabbits, how many do you have?"
"Seven, miss".
"No, no, no! If if you have two rabbits, then another two rabbits, then another two rabbits, how many do you have?"
Again, Dave says, "Seven, miss".
"Ok, Dave. If you have two apples, and two apples, and two apples, how many apples do you have?"
"Six, miss."
"Correct! Now, once again, if you have two rabbits, then another two rabbits, then another two rabbits, how many do you have?"
"Seven, miss."
"Dave! Why do you say seven rabbits?"
Dave replies, "I've got one at home."
(Today you learned Dave has no apples at home.)


My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”


So there's a fly and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat says, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"


What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
The front row of a Garth Brooks concert.


A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."


My dad's bread factory burnt down.
Now his business is toast.


A real estate agent from the city is driving down a county road looking for the place he is to meet a new client. He looks out the window and sees a three legged chicken running beside him in the ditch. He is amazed that as he looked at the speedometer in his car and he's doing 40 mph, all the while the chicken is keeping up with him. He increases his speed to 50 mph and the chicken stays with him. He keeps it up. 60, 70, 80 mph and the chicken keeps pace no problem. The realtor hits 90 mph and he is finally able to overtake the chicken. As he coasts to a more manageable speed the chicken runs down a driveway and into a farm. The realtor, who's curious at this point, turns around and goes into the farm. He sees the farmer and heads over to him. " I was driving down the road and I came across a three legged chicken! He could run 90 miles an hour! What is with that?" The farmer replies: "it's a simple story. There is me, my wife and my son living here. We all love a drumstick. So instead of fighting over them when we eat chickens, we biologically engineered our chickens to have three legs!! Drumsticks for everyone!" "My god! That's a brilliant plan! Think of all the possibilities! How do they taste?" "We don't know! We can't catch the damn things!"


A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11.”


Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?"
Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym".


A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "What is 1 + 1"?
The mathematician says "2"
The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"
The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".
(and then...)
.Hillary says, "It is my intention to give the best possible answer to your question. I will try my hardest to give the American people what they deserve. I will provide an answer that is closest to correct. And my answer is [deleted]."
.Donald says, "My answer is the greatest answer of all. I have the best people working on it. You gotta love these questions. Am I not the best?"
.Bernie says, "It should be free."
.Barack says, "10 Trillion. What ever we need will will print and borrow."
.Bill says, "1 + 1 sounds like a good ole time. Let me show you my office."
.Sarah says, "Guns, the answer is guns."
.George says, "In Texas, or is it in Tennessee. I am sure it is in Texas. We have this math problem too. Fool me once..... I still don't know what the answer is. Hahaha."


My mom tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.


My Thai girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.
I still wish she didn't have one.