3462 - Saturday jokes

Saw an old couple arguing with each other in public the other day.
Apparently one of them is going to be president.


What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.


My friend called me and said, "What are you doing right now?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."


A man with an overblown sense of authority walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.


They say that 1 out of 3 people has cheated on their relationship.
I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.


A man is praying in church.
He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"
"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"
"God, what is a million years to you?"
"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."
"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?"
"My son," God says, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
"Hmm," says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again.
"God," he asks, "can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God says. "Just a second."


Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market.
B1: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B2: You can have both.
B1: Three.


How do we know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Her head and shoulders were found in the car's glove box.


A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.
"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks, "And why is that?"
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine has gotten very tired."


How did Popeye get his huge forearms.
Extra virgin olive oyl.


Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he 's married.


I don't know why some people are afraid of flying.
Crashes happen at ground level.


A Police officer pulls over a blonde. "Can you identify yourself, mam?"
She looks in the rear view mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."


When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on.
Then it turned her off.
Then it turned her on again.


What do you call a man with five goats walking through an ISIS camp?
A pimp.


How do you tell if a cat is a creative?
It shits outside the box.


What's the difference between an ISIS camp and an orphanage?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.


Some dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night.
The plot thickens.