3469 - Saturday jokes

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys say, "OK teach, the ten dollars is yours."


A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."


My friend Herbert recently died from an overdose of weedkiller.
The cause of death was determined to be Herbicide.


I don't want to brag about my 14-day diet,
but I completed it in 4 hours.


A couple is having trouble in bed because the husband really wants some anal but the wife won't let him. He also wants to try his hand at role play by calling her Bridget Blowjob but she won't allow that either. So they're always fighting about it and their marriage is in shambles. Finally the wife decides make up with her husband and goes to a tattoo parlor and tattoos a B on each butt cheek, standing for Bridget Blowjob. The wife goes home and waits for her husband to get back from work. When he does she calls him up to the bedroom and says, "Honey, I have a surprise for you! Today you can screw my ass all you want!" The husband gets so excited, he'd been waiting for this so long, that he goes at it for hours and hours until finally he collapses from exhaustion. The wife says, " Honey, I have another surprise for you". "Oh sweetie," the husband says, "I don't think I can take any more surprises." But the wife ignores him and turns her ass to him to show him the B's, which he'd missed with all the excitement. So she shows him her ass and he looks. And then he becomes enraged and yells, "BOB?! WHO'S BOB?!"


My girlfriend is like the square root of negative one hundred.
She's a perfect ten but imaginary.


My wife is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex and irrational.


Doctor wanted a semen sample, stool sample and urine sample.
I gave him a pair of my underwear. Here, you sort it out.


An old married couple were driving through Arizona. They were traveling from Texas to California when an Arizona highway patrolman pulled them over. "Afternoon sir, license and registration please." "WHAT'D HE SAY?!", screams the old lady. "HE NEEDS MY LICENSE!", replies the old man. The patrolman takes the license and says, "I'll be right back." "WHAT'D HE SAY?!" "HE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" After a moment, the patrolman returns, "I see you're from Texas. I used to date this obnoxious nag out there till she went batshit crazy!" "WHAT'D HE SAY?!", screams the old lady. "HE SAID HE KNOWS YA!!"


Some say English is tough.
It can be understood through thorough thought though.