3476 - Saturday jokes

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."


I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton.
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax.
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave.
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave.


I played Guard, End & Tackle. I sat on the END of the bench, GUARDED the water, and TACKLED anybody that came near it.


Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers: Riceless.


The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."




Why does a man name his penis?
Because he doesn't want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions.


A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


I'll tell you what I know about dwarves.
Very little.



"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."


Two gay guys, Matt and Bob, were traveling on a plane.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Matt.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Matt stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.
So Matt and Bob have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare", whispers the old man. "I saw a man a few rows ahead ask for a pencil and he got screwed in the ass."


2 cowboys were talking about sex.
1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!"
"I haven't heard of that", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper, "These feel just like your sisters', and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"


I had bowed legs.
I didn't think the doctor had any chance to fix them.
I stand corrected.