3518 - Saturday jokes

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.
My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.


Tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick ".


Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.
For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49


Wife : "I Dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "They gave those away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction."


A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's whore."


I had a job interview today. I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."


What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?
Mrs. Hawking


Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Those dirty bastards.