3532 - Saturday jokes

A 5-year-old sat next to a pregnant lady.
Boy: Why is your tum-tum so huge?
Lady: Because I have a baby inside it.
Boy: Is it a nice baby?
Lady: It is a very nice healthy baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?


Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?
Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.


Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance he would always reply, "It could have been worse"
To cure him from this annoying habit his friends decided to invent a situation so completely horrible even Frank could not find hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then shot himself on the head."
"That's awful." said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell?" asked his bewildered friend.
"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"


My girlfriend is very sensitive. Like, the other day she got a haircut. Two inches trimmed off of her hair. And she came home and cried about that for two hours. Over a haircut. I couldn’t believe it. Finally I went to her, I said, “Baby, what are you so upset about, it’s just a haircut. I’m the one that’s got to find a new girlfriend.”.


The other day I got pulled over, and when the cop walked up I pulled out my 9mm.
Once he stopped laughing he wrote me up for indecent exposure.


Server: "Do you wanna box for that?"
Me: "No. It's not worth fighting for."


My neighbors listen to awesome music...
whether they like it or not.


I asked my dad, "What's it like having the best son in the world?"
He replied, "I don't know, you'll have to ask Grandpa."


They say you can't tell a funny joke about terrorism, but you can.
It's all in the execution.


Some people are like slinkies.
Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.


A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"