3539 - Saturday jokes

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."


My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water".
I know he means well.


"You spend far too much time on that damn computer."
Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.


I was viewing a house being sold by a native american.
I asked him if it came with running water.
He said, "No, get your own wife".


"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.


'Do Not Touch'
Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.


I was having sex with my girlfriend, and thought I'd try something new.
So I stopped and completely froze in motion. She asked me, "What the hell are you doing?" I said, "A move I saw on pornhub. It's called buffering".


How does a guy win an argument with his deaf girlfriend?
He turns off the lights.


Relationships are like algebra.
You always look at your x and try to figure out y.


A cop pulls a driver over for speeding.
The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit."
The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?"
"Yeah... What's that got to do with it?"
"Did you catch all the fish?"