3546 - Saturday jokes

Politician (noun):
Someone who will lay down your life for his country.


People often accuse me of "stealing others jokes" and being "a plagiarist."
Their words not mine.


A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."


I came to the realization that I have a fetish for figuring things out.


My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."
I wish I'd thought of that quote.


If you're feeling lonely, dim the lights and watch a good horror movie.
By the end of it, you won't feel like you're alone anymore.


A foursome of guys is  waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men responds, "Well, there you have it….
you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never had a chance to duck. He was only 43.


When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.
Then I was born.


A lawyer had just undergone surgery and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum. He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.
It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops the lug nuts and can't find them. He starts to panic.
Just then the patient speaks up: "Just take one lug nut from each of the other tires. That should last until you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart..uh, what are doing there?" The patient replies, "I'm here because I'm crazy, not stupid."


We have 20 people coming over to our house today, so my wife made me clean all week.
She's terrified someone will find out people live here.