3560 - Saturday jokes

A wife is yelling at her husband.
"Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
The guy says, "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.


A pastor is finishing up his sermon on Sunday morning.
"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.
"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says "and it's a great chapter, amen?" There are shouts of "amen!" from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks.
"Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying."


Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7?
Because they literally can't even.


I finally learned how to convert units to the metric system!
It's a real 1.61kilometers6.35kilograms for me.


A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket so she knew some asshole had her pen.
She proceeded to walk the hospital halls listening for a clicking sound as people sat down.


Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'
Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'


What does a camera have in common with a condom?
They both capture that special moment.


Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself. One of the ladies immediately had a stroke. The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.


While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.
When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead?"