3567 - Saturday jokes

A man was pissing into the wind and was trying to remember why he shouldn't do that. He suddenly said, "It's all coming back to me now"!


What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.


Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...
- If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
- If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
- If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 today...
and we have no idea where she is.


I asked my girlfriend to shave her pussy.
I woke up the next morning, bald.


My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.


A guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy.


Life magazine sends one if its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories of the locals. On the first day, the reporter climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.
"Good morning, sir. I'm a reporter from Life magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. I have a question for you. What was the greatest day in your life?"
The old man thinks for a while and then says, "Well...I remember the day when my neighbor's sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for the darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk that we just took turns humping it under the lemon tree! We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating!"
The reported is dumbfound by what he just heard.
"Um that's an interesting story sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. What is the second greatest day in your life?"
"Let's see. Well i remember when my neighbor's daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found her we were so drunk that we just took turns humping her under the lemon tree! We had a great time eating, drinking, and fornicating!"
"Listen sir! My magazine won't allow that story to be printed! How about some sad stories? What is the saddest day in your life?"
"Well...I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains..."


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.


4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Damn babies!


Life is like toilet paper.
You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.


Went to see my doctor and he told I was going to have to stop masturbating.
I asked why and he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


The doctor said I should stop masturbating.
Apparently it was bothering everyone in the waiting room.


So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain".
I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain.


Can whoever has the brain right now let me use it really quick.
I can't remember where I put my beer.


I got f**ked by a priest 15 years ago.
I still remember his exact words...He said, "You may now kiss the bride"!