3581 - Saturday jokes

A flat earth conspirator was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat.
He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!"


A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife said OK and watched as her husband read the card.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.


Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"


I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I got to work 20 minutes early.


Had a house party last night and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, and took him home. Dragged him up to his house and knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home." His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"


For all you non-native English speakers out there...
"Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".


What's the definition of a will?
Come on, it's a dead giveaway!


I bought a book the other day. When I got home and opened it, every page was blank. I was so angry... I had no words.