3695 - Saturday jokes

A software engineer walks into a bar.
He sits down and sees the bartender yelling at the computer when trying to process a customer's order.
"Why are you yelling at the computer?" the engineer asks.
"Nothing is working! The software on the computer is riddled with bugs!" responds the bartender.
The engineer takes a look at the computer and notices the software it is running was actually written by himself a few years earlier. Immediately, he gets offended.
"Those aren't bugs!" the engineer yells. "Those are alternative features!"


A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.


My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.
We were going to call her Summer for short.
We decided on Road Construction instead.


A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 30 parking spaces. 29 are free and one is pay."


A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp.
The police are looking into it.


I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth.
My friends now call me ruthless.


I once thought I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagined Asian.


Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?"


My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.
Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said, "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."


A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.


"Hello, is this the anonymous NSA tip line?"
"Yes it is, Dave."