3602 - Saturday jokes

Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again."
Donald 20:17


A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.


The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even have bikes.


Based on statistics the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style. The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.


In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation.
Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.


What is Atheism?
A non-prophet organization.


I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl.
They told me she was imaginary.
But the jokes on them, because they are too.


A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your crabbiest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."


Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"
Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."


I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'
He said, 'Just a minute.'
And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'


I'm giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait, that came out wrong.
I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.


At a Muslim book store in New York a man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.
"Get out and don't come back", says the store owner.
"That's the one!" says the man.


Two armies were fighting each other. Both armies are rather large in size, and have been fighting on the front for many days. Both sides are running very low on ammo, and have already run out of ammunition for their cannons, so they continue to fire with their rifles. Eventually, all of the ammo for their rifles runs out. A private runs up to his general: "General, we've used all of our ammunition! The only form of defense we have is our fists!" "Our fists?" "Yes, sir!" "Well," said the General, "I have a plan. We'll have all of our troops line up, run collectively up to the enemy, and then, once we approach them, we'll beat them up! They'll never see that coming!" The private smiles. "That's a great idea, sir!" "I'll put it into action," the General said. He yelled loudly to all of his troops: "Okay men, let's set up a punchline!"


Loyalty is very important for my wife.
My girlfriend doesn't care.
Funny how different sisters can be.