3616 - Saturday jokes

What will the secret service yell when something is hurtling towards the president?
Donald duck!


Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause!
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!"


Two kids were talking...
Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin
Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!


A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.
At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?"
The wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."


So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning.
Then I screwed up by telling her, "And that's not even the drinks talking".


I had a problem with my computer yesterday.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.


Why are married women(or men) heavier than single women?
When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.


What food is the number one cause of weight gain?
Wedding cake.


What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke?
You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!


I saw two kids fighting on the play ground.
As the only adult there I had to step in.
They never had a chance.