3623 - Saturday jokes

What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?
A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people.
A jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people.


A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban.
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: "So what are you saying?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."


A girl goes to the doctor.
Putting his stethoscope to the young woman's chest, the doctor said, "Big breaths, dear."
She smiled. "Yup. And I'm not even thixteen yet!"


My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.


I have the body of a 21 year old model.
She's taking up an awful lot of room in my freezer though.


I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!
“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”


Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.
It's Trudeau. ..................................(true though)


My friend says he has the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.