3644 - Saturday jokes

What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
Reintarnation.


A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous.
The doctor inspects them.
"It's OK," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"


I've been texting to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now.
She just told me she's an undercover cop. That's quite impressive for someone her age.


A woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"


A psychopath is a bike trail in the ghetto.


One night, a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says, “Oh, just a beer."
The bartender asked the man, “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”
The man said, “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month.”
The bartender said, “So what's wrong with that?”
The man said, “Well, the month is up tonight.”



I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.


Jesus is setting up for supper and he calls Judas over to help. "Judas, please set the table." Judas complies and sets the table. "Judas, put the food on the table." Judas places the food on the table. "Judas, please call everyone to the table." Again, he does as he is told and gathers everyone.
As they are enjoying the feast Jesus planned and had Judas serve, Jesus gets really serious and says, "This will be my last supper with you." He pauses and continues, "One of you will betray me." At which point Judas throws his hands up in a huff, "Why do I have to do everything around here?!"


When Anne has a will...
Anne Hathaway