3651 - Saturday jokes

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.
One minute later I regretted it.


I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.
The jury foreman answered: "Oh, we looked. But your client didn’t."


Why do you always put your left shoe on last?
Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left.


Two guys in a communal shower.
Guy1: You wanna play the rape game?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: That's the spirit!!


"You have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch me peeking in your bedroom window."


Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.


Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning.
The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father."
The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence."
Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness."
The old woman says, "My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."


Two weevils were in a fight.
The loser was forever known as the lesser of two weevils.


In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :
"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."
The young boy thought for a moment and responded,
"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."


Geography of a Woman vs a Man
WOMAN
Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive reconstruction.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
MAN
Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba... ruled by a dick.


What's ET short for?
Because he's got little legs.


Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.