3658 - Saturday jokes

So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS.
That moves Amy Shumer's comedy special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.


What do broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.


Where does the know-it-all get his water?
From a 'well, actually'.


Mia, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Mia also passed away.
At Mia's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs.


A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day".
He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something."
(That doc should know, he's outstanding in the field. Really covers all the bases. Always goes to bat for his patients. He will, in short, stop at nothing to send them home.)


Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.


I'll always remember my fathers last words:
"What the hell are you doing with that pillow?"


I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."


Is my wife ashamed of my body?
A tiny part of me says yes.


A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.
While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"
He replies, "Because I chose it."
The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line."
So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.
Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?"
He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."


My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends.
I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.


My son convinced me to donate my organs after I die.
He's a man after my own heart.