3665 - Saturday jokes

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.
~
That's gotta be cymbalic of something.
It has a ring to it.
I'd make a note of it.
Context is key in these jokes.
Yeah but let's not harp on it too much.
Give it a rest, guys.
Don't make him repeat that.
You guys have a pretty sharp wit.
And you just had to chime in there didn't you?
That one fell a little flat.
So many treble makers in this thread.
They're all naturals.
I think we need to call in the staff.


Flight Attendant: "Captain! I think we have a case of human trafficking! There's a lecherous old slob with an immigrant lady on the plane. She looks like she's being taken against her will! Should we bump them off?"
Captain: "For gods sake Patricia! We don't work for United Airlines anymore! This is Air Force one!"


A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."


I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.


A Mexican attempts to sneak over the border.
A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"


Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"


Some years back a friend at work came up to me and said
"Can I ask you a question ?" I replied "Apparently"
"He chuckled and said "Can I ask you another question?"
I said "Obviously"....
"Can I ask a stupid question?"
"Better than anybody I know."


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?' 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' 'I don't remember much after that'.


The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.
Yes, it was an Apple.
But with an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte.
Then everything crashed.


So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked if they had beef.
The butcher replied, "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb?"
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqjoHKISCVU)
(Yes, I got the joke right away. I'm old.)