3679 - Saturday jokes

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.


I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" three times in a row.
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.


King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege.
King: OK, round them up.
Squire: 400 my liege.


A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"


My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.
I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.


Han solo: Yoda are we going the right way?
Yoda: Off course we are.


Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired?
Because they're working around the clock.


A bus driver and a priest died and went to heaven. St. Peter greeted them both and led them to their new homes in heaven. They went to the bus driver's home first, and saw a large mansion. When the priest saw this, he was very excited because he was sure that he'd get a grander house, because clearly, he had done me good in his life than the bus driver. However, when they reached his new home, all he saw a small cabin. He asked St. Peter, "why is my house smaller than the bus driver's? I have served God all my life!" St. Peter responded, "well, the way you were preaching, everyone was sleeping. But the way the bus driver was driving, everyone was praying!"


I'm writing a book about WD-40.
It's Non-Friction.