3686 - Saturday jokes

Did you hear about that lady who was selling sexual favors for spaghetti?
She was a pastatute.


Mom is getting the same thing for Mother’s Day she got last year, disappointment.


What's the best thing for a hangover?
Drinking heavily the night before.


My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.


I once knew a man named Richard Whiskey but every one called him Dick Liquor.


The word queue doesn't have 4 silent letters.
They're just waiting their turn.


What do attorneys and sperm have in common?
1 out of 200 million has the potential to be a human being.


There was once an ancient Chinese Emperor. This emperor had a young and beautiful daughter. One day he realized he was growing quite old, and there is a high chance he would soon die. When he died, there would be no man to take care of his daughter. So he set up a task for anyone in his empire. The person who brought him the most ping pong balls within 365 days will get to marry his daughter, and be the next Emperor when he dies. 364 days went by, and not a single person showed up. But on the 365 day, three men appeared in front of the Emperor. The first man had 1556 ping pong balls, and everybody was certain he was going to win the challenge. The second man empties a back-pack and shows he has 2032 ping pong balls. Everyone was excited to see how many the third man had. The third man walks up, he has blood all over his body, cuts and scars across his face, he's missing an arm, and is breathing heavily. He puts two giant balls on a table in front of the Emperor.
The emperor goes: "Where are your ping pong balls?"
To which the man responds, "PING PONG BALLS? I THOUGHT YOU SAID KING KONGS BALLS!"


10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...
Don't bother me. My work here is intense.


How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?
A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, “BINGO!”


My favorite machine at the gym?
The vending machine.