3700 - Saturday jokes

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife,
does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
And if he overcame his fetish, would that be a pedicure?


A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!…"


How often do I put orange slices in my beer?
Oh, once in a Blue Moon.


I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook.
But it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.


I saw a climate scientist eating pasta out of a pink leather bowl.
He was eating carb on dyed ox hide.


There's something making the center of my back itch.
But I can't put my finger on it.


The second best day of a man's life is when he buys a boat.
The best day of his life is when he sells it.


A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention. So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".
Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower: "Dave, is that you?"


Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house...
... it was delicious.