3707 - Saturday jokes

I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals.
I'm LIVID.


A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does.” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”


A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room.
He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"
Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"
"It's me, talking to the whiskey."


My boss walked up to my desk as I was watching porn and said, "Do you think I pay people to do that?"
"Probably," I replied.


Where do ducks farts come from?
Their buttquacks.


After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: 'Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.'
Husband: 'What’s up?'
Wife: 'According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.'
Husband: 'Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.'


I bought purple Jell-O mix and now I feel like a superhero.
With grape powder comes great responsibility.


Son: Dad there's a small get together at school tomorrow.
Father: Small get together? How small?
Son: Me, you, and the principal.


A man is walking through a cemetery when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man, and a lawyer."
"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"


I'm going to become a handyman and immediately corner half the market by doing the even jobs.


A skinny little guy walks into an elevator.
He looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big guy says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me."
"I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy says, "Oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."


I'd just like to remind everyone that International Procrastination Day was last week.


My wife accused me of cheating.
I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend.


There is no winning streak in window cleaning.