3714 - Saturday jokes

"The neighbors hate us." he said. "Why?" she replied. "Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?" "Yeah, that was really fun." "And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?" "Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..." "We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."


My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure.
Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.


My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."
I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Two Thai prostitutes asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.


Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair.” she said, “Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


My mom suffers with short term memory loss.
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my moms got it too.


A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.
"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and men like you continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Feeling guilty, the ventriloquist begins to apologize to the woman, when she interrupts him.
"Hey, you stay out of this, Mister! I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the little bastard on your knee!"


Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?
She thought it was diet coke.


The blonde jokes need to stop!
I'm blonde and I don't get them.


A man with six kids is always happier than a man with $6 million.
The man with $6 million always wants more.


"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".
"Yea, I know, but she's great in bed and is good with kids".


What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?
A non-prophet charity.


What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, and never has 5 letters.
Yes they do.