3721 - Saturday jokes

I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka.
But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell off my bike 7 times on my way home.


A monkey was arrested today after he started throwing flaming feces at zoo employees. Three of the employees were rushed to the hospital with...turd debris burns.


What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilomockingbirds.


My wife is mad because I am never sure about anything.
Maybe she's right...or not.


What's the difference between my wife and the government?
The government will still screw me whenever it has the chance.


The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few bad years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses. He turned to his wife and said: "Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household services."
The wife replied: "Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn't need the gardener either."


Me: I love to travel.
Bank account: Like where? To the backyard?


I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife.
But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.


My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess.
So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.


After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.


A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."


I showed up late for work.
The boss yelled, "You should have been here at 8:30!"
I said, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"


An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie.
She said, "What would you like to see?"
I said, "You pick."
She said, "You pick."
I said, "I don't care, you pick."
She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."