3742 - Saturday jokes

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!”
I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!”
Then I unplugged his life support.


A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks,
"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"


A young couple couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Years later, the priest decides to pay the couple a visit. He rings the doorbell, and is met by an army of little runts. He asks one of the older boys, "Where's Mommy?"
"She's at a maternity ward. I'm gonna have a sister", says the boy.
"What about Daddy?" asks the priest.
"He went to the Vatican to blow out some damn candle."


Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.
It would be IX/XI instead.


I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'


My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.


What do you call Chinese Sign Language?
Handarin.


"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely!"