3749 - Saturday jokes

A lot of people keep saying to me that Trump cheated in the election.
Well, honestly, we shouldn't be Russian to collusion's.


My boss told me, "Have a good day."
So I went home.


A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed. So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.
“So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
“What are those?” he asked.” Viagra,” she replied.
“I’ll be damned,” said the patient, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”


I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for $20.
But I partied like it was $19.99.


Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "Nope, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night...... whether you’re here or not."


I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times.
I keep getting his answering machine.


My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him. The round of applause he'd get would be astounding."


When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.
But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"