3751 - Monday jokes

Don't play dumb with me. That's a game you can't win.

Rule of thumb: Never hit it with a hammer.

Sometimes, I question my sanity. Sometimes, it replies.

Some people are like eye-candy. I'm more like eye-meatloaf.

How would the government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

If I have 10 chocolates and someone asks me for one, how many do I have left? That’s right, 10.

I'm not convinced I know how to read; I've just memorized a lot of words.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be so convenient.

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying: “Ich liebe dich!”

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, because now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

I used to play sports; then I realized you can buy trophies.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird pooped all over them.

My scarecrow received an award for being outstanding in his field

One time a guy handed me a picture, he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” I said, "Every picture of you is when you were younger."

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.'

There will never be an "escalator out of order" sign, only "escalator temporarily stairs."

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be really big.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.