3756 - Saturday jokes

When you clean a vacuum cleaner you become a vacuum cleaner.


Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"
With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”
“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.
He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”


What I if told you...
You read that last sentence wrong.


I think Holocaust jokes are pretty cheap, Anne Frankly they're not that funny.


Man: "I was always afraid of dying alone, so thanks for being with me in my final moments."
Parachute instructor: "PULL THE CORD! PULL THE CORD!"


Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?
He got fired for sleeping on the job.


Pirate: The cannons be ready, Captain…
Captain: ARE!


A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
“I am so embarrassed,” the woman says. “Please join me for dinner."
They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards, she invites him to the theatre, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast. The next morning the guy is amazed.
"Are you this nice to every biker you meet?” he asks.
“Not usually,” she replies. “But you just happened to catch my eye.”


A plateau is the highest form of flattery.


A female prostitute gives a hillbilly the time of his life.
When they finish the man asks, "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"
The prostitute replies, "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."
The hillbilly replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."
The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...
"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."


Why don't rednecks do reverse cowgirl during sex?
Because they never turn their back on their family!


Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.
They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.